Five Times The Avengers Almost Found Out About Loki And That One Time
by Lily and her tramps
Summary: They Totally Did. :P This is gonna be fun! Bruce is much calmer than people give him credit for, Natasha is a yaoi-lover, and Clint... Clint just... :'(


AN: Oh shit, look! I updated! :O This is kind of ridiculous in that it's probably double the length of my usual stories and the plot... the plot is just... -_- Enjoy, and review!

* * *

1. Tony

**I wanna take you against the wall like I'm Sam Winchester. X**

Thor stared at the screen of his Starkphone, confused. Loki had sent him sexual messages on his phone before, but they had all been rather straightforward until then. He looked over at his teammate, Anthony, who seemed to be known throughout Midgard for his deviant lifestyle and decided to ask him what it meant.

"Friend Anthony, may you perhaps decode this message I have received?" He turned his phone's screen to Anthony, whose eyes bugged as his eyebrows jumped. He grabbed the phone and stared at it, pulling it closer to his face and then giving it back with disbelief.

"Uh, Thor this person is hitting on you."

"I am aware of that, Friend Anthony."

"You know that this could count as sexual harassment, right? You can make them stop if you want to. I could trace the number for you." Thor frowned and cocked his head in confusion.

"But I enjoy when he sends me such messages, I simply do not understand the reference." Anthony's eyebrows shot up again.

"Wha- when did _that_ happen?" He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head a bit to clear it. "No, that's for later, uh... it's a reference to a tv show, basically Sam Winchester grabs the people he's having sex with and pushes them up against the wall."Thor gave him a blank look. "This person wants to have wall sex with you." Bruce walked in the room, and proceeded to quickly turn around and leave. Thor nodded and typed out a response.

"Yes, and what sort of 'emoticon' would be consistent with the reciprocation of his flirtatiousness?" Anthony blinked a few times, dumbstruck.

"... ;)"

"Then I shall use it!" Both of them were quiet as Thor sent the text and stared intensely at his phone until it 'ping'd with a response. Thor's eyes widened as he stared at the screen. The message Loki had sent him was only a picture, but it was a prime example of the Midgardian saying about a picture's worth.

In the picture, Loki was in the apartment that they shared - while Loki lived in it off of his own (magical) resources, Thor often stayed there and left Mjolnir in Loki's care - in the bedroom, his pale hand wrapped around Mjolnir's handle as he licked the end of it suggestively. Thor felt his body heat up and his cock swell.

"What is it, Thor? What'd they say?" Anthony leaned across the couch, trying to look at the picture. Just as he was about to find an opening, Loki sent another message.

**Come and get it, brother. ;)**

Thor jumped up from the couch and ran towards the stairs, tossing a simple 'farewell' to his friend as he left to run the four and a half blocks to the apartment.

2. Natasha

Thor walked along the street, unable to stop smiling. He had planned the day for weeks, and he wanted it to be perfect. Ever since he brought Loki to earth, he had been itching to take him on a proper date. Finally, he would.

When he got to their agreed on meeting place, Loki was already waiting. He was wearing typical Midgardian clothes, a black pair of what Lady Natasha called 'skinny jeans', a grey dress shirt with only the last three buttons done, and a tight green undershirt underneath. Loki was already stunning in the Midgardian garb, but one simple accessory simply did Thor in.

Around his neck, Loki was sporting a black leather collar with a metal ring just large enough for Thor to slide his finger through and pull Loki towards him placed in the center. Frankly, it made Thor rowdier than he had previously thought possible.

"Hello, gorgeous," Loki purred as Thor pulled him in for a kiss. Thor's hand quickly found a home in Loki's back pocket and squeezed as the other one wove it's way into his midnight hair. Loki moaned into Thor's open mouth as he felt the hand in his pocket. _Someone's enjoying himself._ Thor moaned his own affirmative and pulled Loki closer by the back of his jeans.

Natasha Romanov peered around the corner of the building that Loki was pinned up against and stared as Loki's black painted nails dug into the back of Thor's shirt. She smiled, glad that Thor had found someone after his unfortunate breakup with Jane, although she had known just from reading up on the poor woman that there was no way she could take dating the thunder god for very long. After leering at Thor and what she could see of the man he was making out with for longer than was necessary, she took a picture and went back to the tower.

"Loki," Thor gasped, finally finding the strength of will to stop kissing his lover. _Gods_, but he'd wanted to so badly when they were in Asgard. Not in the same delicate, ginger way he did there, although that made him feel giddy in it's own right, but with _tongues_ and _teeth_ and _hands. _"Loki, I have a Midgardian courting ritual planned for today!" Loki raised one eyebrow skeptically. "It is called a 'date'!" Loki smiled at Thor's endearing excitement over his plans.

"Alright then, Thor. What is the first thing we are to do on this 'date'?"

3. JARVIS

After their excellent date, Loki turned to Thor and smiled, letting his hand brush against the in seam of Thor's jeans.

"What exactly is the protocol after a date?"

"Th-that depends. After most first dates, the participants are to go to their separate beds, perhaps after sharing a kiss." Loki pouted, obviously in favor of more intimate plans. "Most couples have not waited months to have their first date, however." Loki's face broke out in a beautifully dirty smile.

"Your place or mine?" The Avengers tower was closer, and so they walked the rest of the way, hands in each others pockets. When they got to the tower, Loki transported them to Thor's bed. He smiled at Thor, who winked from beneath him.

"Someone is certainly impatient." Loki chuckled.

"Oh no, if I was impatient, I would have done _this_." With a wave of his hand, both of them were naked. Thor reached around Loki's neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

Just as JARVIS's alarm went off.

"**_Warning, Loki Laufeyson's presence is detected! Repeat-_**" Thor summoned Mjolnir and struck the ceiling with lightning, shorting out JARVIS and the entire building's power. Loki smacked himself on the forehead and mumbled 'oh gods why...'.

"SILENCE, JARVIS!" Thor flung Mjolnir against the door to keep the team out and flipped Loki and himself so that he was on top and bent down between his bemused lover's legs. He pressed his mouth to Loki's entrance and began salvaging their evening. A few minutes later, one of Thor's teammates came to check on Thor.

"Hey Thor is everyth-"

"_All is well please leave!_" Loki gasped between thrusts, eyes wide.

"O-okay then..."

4. Clint

After Loki perfected his newest spell, he went to the Avengers tower to test it out. When he walked in to their shared floor, Agent Barton was playing video games on the couch. He was barely paying attention to his surroundings, and Loki realized that in all likelihood, he wouldn't need the spell for him.

"Hello." Barton looked away from the screen briefly, then did a double take. "Do I know you?" Loki frowned.

"I don't think so." He held his hand out to Barton, who tentatively shook it. "My name's Lucas. Is Thor here?"

"Uh, yeah. Hey Jarv, where's Thor?"

"Master Thor is in the shower."

"Do you mind if I wait with you then?" Barton shrugged and went back to his game. "What are you playing?"

"Resident Evil 6."

"May I join you?" Barton shrugged and Loki picked up a controller. Half an hour later, both Clint and Loki were well absorbed in the game. When Thor came down, dressed and ready to leave, both Loki and Clint were shouting at the TV screen. He stared for a moment as the two of them got on as if Clint couldn't remember any of the battle of New York. Loki turned first, and smiled brightly. He dropped his controller on the couch and leapt over it to embrace Thor. "Hello, love."

"Hello," Thor said tentatively._ How did you pacify Hawkeye?_ Loki smiled.

"Hey! Lucas, where'd my backup go?!" Clint shouted over his shoulder, still looking at the screen. _My new spell works. Neither Barton nor the machine recognized me._ Thor smiled and pressed a kiss to Loki's lips. He smirked against Thor's lips and slid his silver tongue in to caress the inside of his lover's mouth. Clint turned around and gagged just as Thor moaned and slid his hand into Loki's black t-shirt. "Aw, really guys? Get a room!" Clint's voice barely broke when he spoke, but he couldn't quite cover it up. Taking Barton's advice, the two of them alternated between kissing and walking up the stairs.

"I don't understand Barton's issue with what we were doing," Loki said during one of their less physical moments in the stairwell. "Why did it bother him so?" Thor's expression turned somber as they entered his room. He sat on the side of his bed, and motioned for Loki to do the same.

"Loki," He started, wary, "do you remember a man in a suit from our battle on Midgard? He tried to attack you outside of the containment unit?" Loki nodded, and Thor braced himself. "That man was Phillip, Son of Coul. He was Hawkeye's lover of three years when you killed him."

Loki pulled in a shuddering breath. Suddenly, the man with the large gun who didn't know quite what it did until he fired it with a hole in his chest was more than just a casualty. Phillip Coulson was somebody's_ lover_. Somebody's _friend_.

_Phillip Coulson was Clint Barton's Thor._

Around Loki, the whole world tilted and was devoured by darkness in an instant. When he woke, it was to the sound of his own screams. Looking up from the floor of Thor's room, both Barton and Thor were staring at him worriedly. He closed his eyes and refused their kindness as best he could. He felt like his entire chest had caved in, and the space behind his eyes throbbed madly. He curled towards Thor's warmth, conscious of the day when someday Thor would no longer ignore the egregiousness of his crimes. Long after Loki could no longer cry and both he and Thor were back at his apartment, Barton found a piece of parchment on his pillow. On it, two words were scrawled in green, shimmering ink.

_Coulson lives._

5. Bruce

As Loki waited for Thor to finish his pop tart breakfast, he leaned against the island in the Avengers' common kitchen, his visage changing charm still in effect. Bruce Banner walked in, looking reminiscent of a zombie. He made himself some tea with practiced, habitual movements and drank it steaming and fresh. He looked over at the pale man leaning against the island and recognized Lucas, Thor's boyfriend with the strange nightmares and violent flashbacks. Well, strange to anyone who wasn't an Avenger. With an Avenger, that was common ground for a friendship.

"Would you like some tea?" Lucas turned as if just noticing that someone besides Thor and himself were in the room. He nodded and smiled politely.

"Thank you. My name's Lucas." He held out his hand, which Bruce shook as he began making more tea. Lucas' eyes automatically gravitated back towards Thor, causing a small smile to form on Bruce's lips. It was nice to see someone so captivated by the god without becoming one of the raving lunatics that tried to jump him when they all went out for team dinners. _Maybe Lucas should come along on one..._

Once Lucas' tea was done, Bruce poked him a few times before he grabbed it, looking as if he'd forgotten about it entirely. Bruce chuckled.

"What?" He shook his head.

"Nothing." Lucas gave him a curious look, but dropped it in favor of drinking his tea.

"This is good." Bruce smiled as Lucas downed the rest of it in one go. "Thank you for the tea," he said as he started the water to wash out his mug.

"No problem." Bruce took a sip as Thor got up from his chair and immediately reached for Lucas like a magnet. He pulled Lucas in for a kiss, but pulled away when he made a disgruntled noise.

"What is the matter, love?"

"You taste like massive amounts of sugar. As if icing and sprinkles had an orgy on your tongue." Bruce choked on his tea, but Thor only pouted.

"Does the taste not please you?"

"Not in the least." Thor nodded seriously.

"Then I shall proceed to cleanse my mouth of the taste." Thor bound up the stairs to his rooms, and Bruce made a quiet whipping noise into his cup.

+1. ;)

Clint didn't really know what to make of what he was seeing. Neither did Natasha, but it could be said she was handling it better. Clint was on the brink of going into a rage but was too shocked to move, whereas Natasha was a toss-up of confused, annoyed, and the tiniest bit more aroused than she figured she should have been.

You see, neither of them had been properly prepared to watch Loki brutally pound into Thor. Or see him place delicate, sucking kisses across _very_ tender regions of Thor's body, from his nipples to the muscled 'V' that lead to Thor's penis - Loki was _very _flexible. They certainly weren't prepared to watch Thor enjoy it. Or hear him do it so _loudly._

Loki was at Thor's neck like a vampire, his body moving so that every time Thor's skin was sucked into his mouth, Loki was pumping his hips forward and his penis into Thor, making the thunder-god whimper and moan and grip Loki to his chest. When Thor wrapped his legs around Loki's hips and used them to speed Loki up - because apparently Thor couldn't get enough of his... brother? Clint didn't want to really think about that. _Ever_. - Clint had the good sense to grab Natasha by the scruff of her fluffy sweater and get them both the hell out of dodge. He was positive that the sounds they were making were going to haunt his nightmares for all of eternity.

By the time the two of them had escaped down the stairs, Natasha seemed to have shaken off most of her hot-steamy-sex-induced daze and seemed more sick about the situation, which was probably more of a relief to Clint than it should have been. At least he wasn't the only one freaked out. Clint sighed and put his hands on his knees and tried to rest his fucked over mind.

"What's up with you guys?" Clint looked up to see Tony and Steve staring at the both of them strangely. "You look like you just watched half an hour of porn, and _not_ the good kind." Steve gave Tony a mix of a stern and mortified expression, but he wasn't paying attention.

"Tony. Cap. Don't go upstairs." Tony gave Clint a condescending look and patted his back.

"Now bird-brain, you know saying that is going to make me _have_ to do it." Tony bound up the stairs and Steve made to follow. Clint grabbed his arm.

"Seriously, don't go up there, you'll blow a gasket." Steve gave him a frustrated look and followed Tony. Once they were gone, Natasha shook her head. "At least I tried to warn them."

"You just told two of the proudest Avengers that they couldn't handle something, of _course _they were going to try to prove you wrong, Clint. _вы должны быть глупы,_ you must be stupid." Clint stuck out his tongue at her and sat down on the couch as Bruce came upstairs from his own room in the fluffy blue pajamas Natasha had bought him for Christmas, rubbing his eye like a drowsy child.

"Hullo there," he yawned and Natasha smiled to herself as he made himself tea.

"Don't go upstairs," Clint said, interrupting what would have almost been a calm, normal morning.

"Okay," Bruce said as he blew across the top of his tea.

"No, seriously."

"Okay, I'm not going to." He calmly took a sip of tea, and Clint fidgeted in the silence, unable to let go of what was happening a floor above him.

"Thor's having sex with Loki." Bruce clenched up and shot forward, choking on his tea as Natasha cursed in Russian.

"_WHAT?!"_ Clint nodded, seemingly unworried about a possible Hulk-out.

"That's why you can't go up there. It'll mentally scar you."

"Just you _saying that_ has mentally scarred me, Clint!" Bruce turned to Natasha. "Is he being serious?"

"Unfortunately, yes. We both saw it, and about now it's being well and thoroughly ingrained in the brains of the rest of the team." Bruce shook his head.

"Damn. What about Thor's boyfriend though? They were like magnets, I can't believe that Thor-" He blinked and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers and groaned. "Lucas is Loki in disguise, isn't he?" Natasha shrugged.

"That seems most likely, Thor wouldn't just cheat on someone he cared so much for." Both of the boys threw back their heads and made a noise somewhere between a whine and a moan.

"But... I gave him _tea_..."

"But... he was my back up..." Steve and Tony came down the stairs then, the both of them a mixture of mortifyingly turned on and just... mortified.

"They're..." Steve started, unable to complete the thought.

"Screwing. Like bunnies. Like bunnies in _heat_. Like alien, god-like bunnies in heat that used to try to kill each other. Or maybe that was just foreplay..."

"EW!"

"Augh, _God!_"

"Okay, you're speaking _out loud_, Tony!" After they removed their hands from their ears and Tony was done looking mildly sheepish, the team looked around.

"Shouldn't they be, y'know... _done_ by now?"

"Steve's right, they should be done, they looked about done when we left." the group looked around amongst themselves.

"Are we seriously waiting around listening for our roommate and his dubiously related bedmate to orgasm?" Tony, Clint, Steve and Natasha Turned to stare at Bruce.

"Why do you have to say it like that Bruce? We're waiting around listening for one of the five misplaced bums that live in my tower to stop banging his not-really-but-they-sure-used-to-think-he-was-his- brother... and orgasm, yes, that's exactly what we're doing."

"Okay, I just wanted to make sure you all thought this sounded as weird as I did." Natasha chuckled into her hand.

"Uhn, **_Loki!_**" Thor bellowed, shaking the floor to ceiling windows. The rest of the Avengers shuddered and covered their ears.

"Oh _gods, YES!_ **_THOR!_**" The Avengers cringed and shifted away from the origin of the sound.

"Aw, we didn't need to hear that!" Clint threw a pillow without a predetermined destination, and Natasha prepared for an infamous Barton Pout.

* * *

"We will have to go face them eventually." Loki looked up from Thor's pectorals and sighed.

"I know." Loki trailed a long pale finger around a nipple, letting his fingernail dully scrape the edge. Thor shivered.

"Loki," Thor took in a deep inhale as Loki licked the same path his fingernail had taken. "_Loki._ I will not allow you to tempt me into remaining in this bed until after we have given them a proper explanation. Our friends deserve that much." Loki scoffed.

"_Our_ friends. They are your friends, Thor. They are my victims." Thor wove his fingers into Loki's hair and gently tugged his head up so that they were eye to eye.

"They will forgive you in time. They are not like the Æsir, if you have truly changed-"

"I have!" Loki stared up at Thor, clearly hurt by the idea that after everything, he hadn't changed. Thor smiled.

"Then in time they will see this, and you will no longer be an enemy to them." Loki nodded half-heartedly and tried to bury himself in Thor's larger form.

"I'm afraid, Thor. What if I end up in yet another cage? Midgardians are so different from the Æsir, but they have no reason not to do the same as they did. They have more reason to, in fact." Thor placed a kiss on Loki's forehead.

"I will not let them imprison you, my love. Remember, you no longer have to stand alone, I will be by your side." Loki nodded, full of newfound resolve.

"Very well. Come ,Thor. We must get dressed, I suspect that your teammates have no wish to see us naked anymore than they already have."

* * *

"So," Bruce started, "You and Loki are... together?"

"Yes," Thor stated, a defiant tilt to his chin. at his side and just slightly behind him, Loki held tightly to Thor's hand, as if afraid he wouldn't be able to touch Thor if he let go. Bruce breathed in and out as if meditating.

"Okay then. Thor, can you come here?" Thor gave Loki a quick, reassuring glance before stepping away from him and closer to Bruce, who stared at his eyes. "They're blue, but not abnormally so..."

"I have not taken control of my brother, doctor." After realizing why his eyes were being examined Thor stepped back towards Loki and took a defensive stance.

"Shield brother banner, I love my brother of my own volition! I dislike what you are implying!" Bruce held up his hands in a gesture of acceptance.

"Hey I know, I know! It's just that this doesn't really constitute normal behavior for either of you."

"Very well. Your concern is understood and most appreciated." Thor wound his fingers through Loki's and gave a gentle squeeze.

"Now," Loki began bitterly, "does anyone else want to make sure I'm not raping my brother?" Tony raised his hand.

"Aren't you two not actually brothers?" Thor nodded.

"That we still call each other such is merely a... habit, Man of Iron." Clint, who had been waiting for someone else to mention it, finally burst.

"Are you guys serious? This guy is a psycho, he went on a megalomaniacal spree a few moths back and killed ninety people! How is no one else freaking out?!" Loki cringed and pressed closer to Thor, a stab of guilt in his chest. Natasha spoke first.

"Because it was hot," she said, only half-joking.

"We _are_ worried, Hawkeye," Steve said, "but we have to trust that Thor knows what he's doing. And besides, Loki was already punished on Asgard, correct?" Loki shuddered and nodded, and neither he nor Thor mentioned that he had been broken out of his cell months ago. Thor stroked the back of Loki's hand to comfort him and when Loki snapped out of it and looked around, most of the Avengers had left. Loki smiled at Thor, his heart skipping a beat.

_They... they __haven't taken me away! And Thor, you're still here!_

_Of course love, I told you we would be okay._

* * *

AN: SO! this took a while...oops. Also, I've chickened out of real smutty porny scenes once again! Victory! -_- Also, I'm on my period. _Fun. _And I killed a bug with my laptop. Something tells me that North Carolina summers will cure me of any sort of fear of bugs I might have. REVIEW!


End file.
